Desperately
by melora30
Summary: While recovering in the infirmary, Jack comes to some realizations about his relationship with Sam. JackSam. Part 3 in the In Need Series. Post Abyss fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Desperately**

**By Melora**

Rating: T (For some mild language and sexual situations)

Pairing: Sam/Jack

Category: Angst, Romance, Episode Addition

Spoilers: Season 6 – Frozen, Abyss

Set: After Abyss

Sequel to: "You're Not the Only One in Need" and "Without You."

Series: Part Three in the "In Need" Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Created for entertainment not monetary purposes.

Status: Story Complete; Series is a WIP.

Summary: While recovering in the infirmary, Jack comes to some realizations about his relationship with Sam.

Author's notes: This is the third story in the "In Need" Series. It is a sequel to "You're Not the Only One in Need" and "Without You." It would be helpful to read the other stories in the series, but not necessary. The basic premise of the series is that Jack and Sam started an intimate relationship after "Meridian." The 16+ versions of all of the earlier stories in the series are archived at The 17+ versions are at the Sam/Jack Adult Archive. This is the only version of this story and is rated T (13+). Sorry, no smut this time. ;)

Sorry it has taken me so long to post stories in this series. I have a lot of the stories written, but I just haven't had the time to edit them to my satisfaction. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous stories in the series. I hope you haven't lost interest.

* * *

**Part One**

_SGC Infirmary_

Jack tossed and turned uncomfortably in the infirmary bed. All he wanted was to be able to sleep through the chills and the pain, yet a deep and comforting sleep eluded him. He had been in the infirmary for over twenty-four hours and the withdrawal symptoms were finally starting to kick in with a vengeance.

One moment he would be burning up, then he would be freezing. The worst part, however, was the underlying cravings – he needed to feel healing warmth pulsing through his veins once more. He yearned to feel whole again – he longed to feel the same way he had felt after his time in the sarcophagus. At that moment, he felt that he would give anything for one more time in the device...as if just one more time would take care of everything and alleviate all his pain.

His thoughts lacked clarity while he drifted in and out of a light and unsatisfying sleep, most likely due to a combination of the withdrawal symptoms and the sedative that Doctor Frasier had administered earlier. Although half-asleep with his eyes firmly closed, he sensed a presence beside his bed. Struggling to open his eyes, he finally managed to open them only wide enough to take in the blurry face of his commanding officer.

"Sir?" Jack called out, his voice faint and cracking slightly.

General George Hammond looked at him in concern. "Hello, Jack. How are you feeling?"

Jack barely attempted a faint smile. "I've been better, General. Just glad to be home in one piece."

Jack immediately noticed something was wrong by look on Hammond's face. The general looked uncomfortable and very troubled.

"Son...I'm sorry to have to bring this up now..." Hammond began as he took a seat in the folding chair by Jack's bedside.

"What is it, sir?"

"While you were gone it came to my attention that there is something inappropriate going on between Major Carter and yourself... that your relationship isn't exactly professional anymore and it hasn't been for quite some time now."

Jack quickly interrupted him, trying to deny the accusation, "What are you talking about, sir?"

Hammond cleared his throat anxiously. "Jack...Major Carter was...how can I put this? She was very emotional over your disappearance and capture. I confronted her about her feelings for you. She tried to deny it at first, but eventually she was forced to admit it."

"Admit what exactly?" Jack asked, unable to believe that he was finally having this conversation that he had been dreading for weeks.

"That you and she have been carrying on a non-professional relationship outside of work."

"She told you that?" Jack looked up at Hammond in disbelief. He never thought Carter would be the first to break down and reveal their secret. She was always so strong, so self-assured, so in control. Jack had always imagined that he would be the one to slip up and do something stupid that let everyone know just how much he loved her.

"Yes, Jack. And I'm afraid I had to initiate court martial proceedings against her."

"What?" Jack yelled out in horror and bewilderment. "But she was just here yesterday. She didn't say anything about this to me." Jack's agitation grew as the conversation continued.

"She's worried about you, son. As are we all. I allowed her to come visit you as a personal favor. She has been advised not to see you again until the hearing. That's one of the reasons I'm here. She wanted me to explain why she won't be by today or any other day for that matter."

With his vision continuing to blur and his head pounding with pain, Jack could barely absorb the gravity of the situation. "This is serious...isn't it?"

"Jack...I don't want to kick you while you're down but..." Hammond paused to debate his next words. "How did you think this would play out? You two flagrantly violated the fraternization regulations. Did you think you wouldn't get caught?"

A cloud of worry darkened Jack's face. "What will happen to her?"

"Honestly?" Hammond inquired. Jack merely nodded and Hammond answered candidly, "Dishonorable discharge. Probably no jail time. But her Air Force career will be over, as will working at the SGC."

"Oh God..." Jack muttered in anguish. "Is there anything I can do? I mean, I would gladly take the fall in her place. It's my fault, really, not hers."

Hammond nodded in agreement. "Yes, it is your fault. You were the ranking officer and as such you will not come out of this situation unscathed. Once you are out of here, you will be court-martialed as well, Jack. You'll probably get the same deal as Sam – dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of pay, no more SGC..."

Jack had never seen such an expression on his commanding officer's face. The sadness and disappointment in Hammond's eyes was almost too much to bear. He had let Hammond down, a man he admired more than he could say... he had let Sam down as well. And he had absolutely no excuse – he had knowingly committed a huge transgression…all because he couldn't live with being just her CO anymore.

Hammond observed the emotions playing over Jack face before he continued, "I cannot express how disappointed I am in you both. The SGC needs you two... and you put your own selfish desires ahead of your duty to the Air Force and your country. Unfortunately because of your indiscretions, we will all suffer the consequences. The loss of Major Carter and yourself from this command will be a blow from which the SGC will not soon recover."

"It wasn't like that," Jack tried to explain unsuccessfully. He wanted Hammond to understand that it hadn't been just a torrid, lust-driven affair – it had been more than that. He wanted Hammond to know that he truly loved Sam and it had come to the point that he couldn't live without her anymore. In the end he could not bring himself to provide any of these excuses and merely conceded, "For what it's worth...I am sorry, sir."

Janet Fraiser was at the nurse's station, checking on everything one last time before leaving for the evening when she noticed Colonel O'Neill's vitals on the monitor in front of her spike. She immediately rushed to his bedside and found the Colonel shaking in his bed, sweat pouring down his face. His blood pressure was elevated and he was mumbling frantically in his sleep.

"I'm sorry, sir...I'm so sorry...so sorry...so sorry," he kept repeating as he writhed uncontrollably on his bed.

* * *

Janet immediately called for the nurse on duty to bring a sedative and some restraints just in case she was unable to calm him down. She shook him firmly, trying to wake him from what appeared to be some sort of nightmare.

"Colonel... sir...wake up!"

At the sound of her voice, Jack immediately calmed a bit and slowly opened his eyes. He started looking around the room anxiously, the after-effects of his dream still lingering in his subconscious. He then turned his confused gaze on the doctor standing next to his bed. "Janet?" he inquired groggily.

Janet sighed in relief and then laughed. "You must really be out of it if you're calling me by my first name, sir."

"Where is she? Is she all right?" Jack was clearly uneasy and Janet had to push him back into the bed to prevent him from getting up. Luckily, he was too weak to put up much resistance.

"Who, sir?" she asked, his insistent questions confusing her.

"Sam..."

Janet's eyes widened in surprise. Colonel O'Neill rarely called her 'Janet', but he hadn't called Sam by her first name in years.

"Sam's fine, Colonel. She's gone home for the evening, but she'll be by tomorrow morning to see you bright and early. She dropped by earlier but you were asleep."

"What's going on?" The confusion in Jack's eyes had not yet faded.

"It looks like you were having a nightmare of some sort," Janet reassured him. "Although, it probably seemed very real to you. I should have warned you earlier... Daniel reported suffering from some delusions during his withdrawal from the effects of the sarcophagus. You probably will too."

A sigh of relief escaped Jack's lips. "You mean Hammond hasn't been by to talk to me?"

"No, sir. He came by earlier today to check on you but you've been out for quite a while. He's probably in Washington by now. He has a meeting at the Pentagon with the Russian delegation...you know, to hammer out the details of the agreement over the use of their Stargate?"

"So...everyone is okay? Right?" Although Jack now appeared much calmer, there was still a hint of anxiety in his voice.

Janet smiled comfortingly. "Well...everyone except you, sir. You've had a rough day, but you're going to be fine in a couple of days. You just need to hang in there a bit longer. I'm going to give you a slight sedative to help you sleep better, okay?"

Jack usually objected to unnecessary sedatives and other drugs, but he was desperate. He needed to sleep peacefully through the night, and if he didn't consent to the drugs he knew he would only be experiencing a night filled with disturbing nightmares like the one he had just lived through. It had been so real to him and that fact alone convinced him to allow Janet to administer the sedative.

He nodded his head slightly in agreement and Janet carefully injected the drugs into his IV. "Thanks doc."

"You're welcome, sir. Try to get some sleep. And be sure to let the duty nurse know if you need anything. Her name is Lieutenant Richards."

"Will do. 'Night doc." Jack eyes quickly drifted shut once again, succumbing to the effects of the sedative.

"Goodnight, Colonel." Janet watched over him for a few more moments, making sure that her patient was once again peacefully asleep before turning to leave for the night.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

* * *

The mission was supposed to be routine – just a simple scientific excursion to gather soil and mineral samples. Little did they know before they embarked through the Gate that the planet they were going to was a rich source of high-grade trinium… and that it had recently been discovered by the forces of the System Lord, Kali.

A few hours into collecting samples, the Gate had suddenly activated. Jack immediately ordered Sam and Teal'c to take positions behind a group of large boulders to the right of the Stargate. In the meantime, he instructed Jonas to stay with him as they made their way to a position on the other side of the clearing.

Jonas was new to the team and to off world missions in general. He had very little military training and Jack felt responsible for the safety of the younger man. Although Jonas was a quick study, Jack felt the need to keep an eye on him while he was still learning the ropes. Besides, he had to make sure Jonas didn't get himself or anyone else into trouble. Presently, he and Jonas were hiding out in the brush, well concealed by thick foliage, while Sam and Teal'c were completely hidden from view on the other side of the clearing.

The first figures through the Stargate were a couple of Kali's Jaffa. Jack only hoped that the Jaffa party coming through would move on without spotting any of the member his team. More Jaffa came through and the event horizon eventually shut down as the whole group of Jaffa descended the steps leading to and from the Stargate. The entire group was relatively small in number – only nine or ten in total. Jack rationalized that it was probably only a scouting party sent to make sure the planet was safe before more arrived.

The plan that was formulating in his head was to remain hidden until the Jaffa went on their way and then to quickly dial the Gate home before more Jaffa arrived. If all went as planned, they would be able to get back to the SGC without the Jaffa ever knowing SG-1 had been there in the first place.

And everything did go as planned...almost. After visually scanning the area near the Gate, the Jaffa had marched off towards the hills in the distance. Once he was sure they were gone, Jack rose from his position and entered the clearing, remaining vigilant every step of the way in case the enemy returned. Jonas followed dutifully behind.

"Jonas...dial the Gate. We're going home."

Jonas immediately did what he was instructed and went over to the DHD to enter the address for Earth. In the meantime, Jack walked over to meet up with Sam and Teal'c who were now coming out from behind the boulders where they had been hiding.

The Gate activated, sending a bright stream jutting out towards them. Jonas sent their code through and walked up the stairs and stepped through the event horizon first. Teal'c, who had been cautiously scanning the perimeter for any sign of the hostiles, immediately followed him into the wormhole.

Jack and Sam hung slightly back, patiently waiting their turns. They stood next to each other, both very relieved that their team had once more escaped from imminent danger unharmed.

For a mere second, Jack let down his guard and stared openly into Sam's eyes, mesmerized by the love he saw reflected in them. In that moment, he couldn't believe how lucky he was. He had the love of a woman that he adored more than life itself.

He was so entranced that he didn't hear the sound of rustling branches coming from behind them until it was too late. Out of nowhere a staff blast came flying through the air towards them. Before he could react, the blast collided with Sam's back, the force of the blast propelling her body forward into the wormhole. Instinctively, Jack turned around and began furiously firing his weapon in the direction of the threat. He quickly backed into the event horizon, shock and fear gripping him every second.

"Close the iris!" he yelled as he rematerialized on the other side. Only then did he turn around to find Sam's still body lying face down on the ramp in front of him. He rushed to her prone body and gently turned her over. He stared in horror as her bright blue eyes vacantly stared back into his. In that instant, he knew she was gone forever.

Jack pulled her body tightly to his and immediately let out a soul-shattering cry. He rocked back and forth with Sam still cradled in his arms, his face buried in her neck, praying that it was not real – that she was not dead.

A couple of medics soon arrived and tried to pry her body from him, but he refused to let go. It was as if he didn't even realize that they were there. In his anguish, all of the other people in the room disappeared leaving him alone with his Sam.

Tears of anger and grief streamed down his face as his body continued rocking. He leaned his head against hers and began mumbling, "Oh God, Sam...I'm so sorry...it's all my fault...it's all my fault..."

* * *

Sophie Richards was conducting her hourly patrol of the main infirmary when she heard a blood-curdling scream. She had never before heard such an anguished sound come from a human being. Through the stillness of the nighttime infirmary, the sound had been even more jolting. Stunned, she quickly moved in the direction of the scream.

What she found was Colonel Jack O'Neill twisting convulsively in his bed. Dr. Frasier had warned her earlier that the Colonel might experience vivid nightmares during the night, but she was completely unprepared for the extent of this one.

Sophie moved steadily to the side of his bed. His head was tossing back and forth on his pillow and tears covered his face. She listened carefully, trying to figure out what he was incoherently muttering, all the while trying to sooth him by stroking back his hair.

She finally made out what the Colonel was saying. He was repeating the phrase, 'It's all my fault,' over and over again.

Sophie's attempts at comforting and calming the man seemed to be unsuccessful, so she decided that it was best to wake him from his dream.

"It's all right, sir," she called out softly as she continued to sooth back his hair. "It's only a dream. Try to relax."

The Colonel's eyes suddenly popped open and stares directly at her. His pain-filled expression soon melted into one that held wonder and amazement.

"Sam?" he asked hesitantly.

Sophie was just about to correct him when he once again spoke, "I'm so sorry, Sam. I love you so much. It's my fault..."

Sophie continued to coo reassuring words to him and soon Jack was again asleep. She left to get some more sedative for him and returned to inject it into his IV as Dr. Frasier had earlier instructed her to do if such an incident took place.

She looked down at the man who was now sleeping peacefully and a profound sadness overtook her. He had been through so much...and he had so much farther to go. Hopefully, she thought, he would feel better in the morning and these nightmares would no longer plague him.

* * *

"Good morning, Sophie. How did last night go?" Janet Fraiser asked she walked up to the nurse's station just inside the door of the main infirmary.

"It was quite a night, ma'am," Sophie replied, looking exhausted. "The Colonel had another episode after you left," she explained.

"I'm not surprised. Did you give him the dose of sedative I prescribed?"

"Yes, ma'am. He's been sleeping soundly ever since...so it worked. Thank God," Sophie exclaimed in relief.

"That bad, huh? Do you know what he was dreaming about?"

"Not really. He just screamed. Scared the heck out of me, actually. When I went to check on him, he was mumbling something about it all being his fault."

Janet smiled knowingly. "Well...the Colonel does have a legendary guilt complex. It could have been any number of things upsetting him."

Sophie shook her head. "It was more than that. The dream must have been really traumatic, ma'am."

"Why do you say that?" Janet was now somewhat concerned about the welfare of her patient and friend.

"He woke up for a second...although I'm not sure he was actually awake...and he called me 'Sam.' Then he started apologizing to me and telling me that he loved me. I tried to tell him that I wasn't this 'Sam' that he had been calling for, but he fell back to sleep almost immediately."

Janet was immediately worried by this news. Information like this could fuel base gossip for months if it got out.

"Sophie..." she hesitantly warned, "it would be best if you didn't mention this to anyone else. I don't have to remind you that patient confidentiality extends to nurses as well as doctors here."

"Ma'am, I would never..."

"I know, Sophie. I just wanted to make sure you understood."

The warning peaked Sophie's curiosity. "Ma'am? Who is Sam and why was he so upset about her?" The nurse paused, considering her next words carefully, "Is she dead?"

At these words Janet laughed lightly. "No, Lieutenant, Sam is very much alive. The Colonel was probably confused last night because you look a little like her. You haven't met Major Carter yet, probably because you've been working the nightshift so much."

Janet looked at Sophie with a serious expression before continuing, "The 'Sam' he was referring to is Major Sam Carter, his second-in command on SG-1. As to why he was so upset, I have no idea. It was probably just a very disturbing nightmare. God knows that he has enough real-life experiences to draw on."

Sophie was clearly shocked. She was Air Force, she knew the rules as well as anyone else in uniform. "His 2IC? Is she aware that he's in love with her?"

Janet looked at the young nurse disapprovingly. "That's really none of our business now, is it Lieutenant?"

Sophie looked appropriately chastised.

Janet knew the Lieutenant was curious about Sam and Jack's relationship, especially after witnessing the Colonel's outburst the previous evening. She also knew Sophie Richards to be a by-the-record officer and an excellent nurse. She had been at the SGC for a couple of weeks and in that time, she had never been interested in engaging in idle gossip. Her curiosity, Janet knew, was driven only by her concern for Colonel O'Neill.

Janet decided to alleviate the young woman's curiosity by offering an ambiguous answer to her previous question. "I think Major Carter knows...and what's more I think the feelings are mutual. Though I doubt either would ever act on those feelings. They are both first and foremost officers in the United States Air Force and they take their jobs very seriously. So...that gives you all the more reason to keep what you heard to yourself. We don't want to put two fine military careers in jeopardy simply because of the paranoid ramblings of a man going through withdrawal, do we?"

"No ma'am, we don't. I respect the Colonel too much to ever do that."

"Good girl. Well, you're off duty as of five minutes ago. You better get home and get some rest. I'll see you at your next shift."

"Thank you, ma'am. I hope the Colonel has a better day today."

"I do too, Sophie. I do too."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

* * *

_SGC Infirmary_

Jack awoke feeling chilled, exhausted, and sore. His whole body throbbed in pain. He curled up further under his blankets, attempting to stave off the chills that were overtaking his body. He so wanted another blanket at this moment, but he was too tired to call for the nurse.

Suddenly another blanket was spread over his trembling body and he opened his eyes to find out who had answered his prayers.

"Hey doc," he greeted the woman who was now standing by his bed.

"Looked like you could use another blanket. Hopefully the chills and fever will pass by tonight."

"Thanks."

"I heard you had a rough night."

"Did I? I can't seem to remember anything after you were last here."

"That's not unusual. The nurse on duty just said that you that had a bad dream... something about Sam?" Janet prodded cautiously.

"Oh...God..." Jack uttered as the memories of his dream came flooding back. "It was bad... really bad. I dreamed we were on a mission and she was hit by a staff weapon and died. It was my fault because I wasn't paying attention and the Jaffa snuck up on us. I should've been watching our backs."

Janet looked at him sympathetically. "Well, sir, thankfully it was just a dream. Sam is fine. In fact, I talked to her earlier and she should be by to see you in a few minutes. She'll be glad..."

"She'll be glad about what?" a voice coming from the door uttered.

Sam walked into the room, smiling broadly as soon as she realized the Colonel was awake.

"Sir...I'm glad to finally find you awake. It seems every time I've stopped by in the last couple of days, you've been out like a light. I was beginning to wonder if you really found my company that boring," she joked lightheartedly.

Jack smiled in response, "Never, Major...that is except when you are techno-babbling."

Sam sat in the chair next to his bed. She appeared in good spirits, although Jack knew better. She was still putting on a show for his benefit, trying to convince him that everything was all right. But he knew her better than that. He knew something was wrong, he could read it the tension her body and voice exuded.

They talked casually about nothing of consequence for about thirty minutes before Jack became drowsy and fell asleep. After his eyes closed, Sam nervously looked around to make sure there were no witnesses. As she rose to leave, she paused and quickly leaned over Jack's sleeping form to place a tender kiss on his forehead.

"Get better soon, Jack. I love you," she whispered before turning around and slowly exiting the infirmary.

* * *

Jack was dreaming again. Unlike the other dreams he had had previously, he was instantly aware that it time it wasn't real. He was also relieved that this time his dream was not as traumatic or distressing. In fact, it was oddly comforting.

He was walking in a park. He immediately recognized it as the one near his house where he frequently went walking when on downtime. He always loved going to that park. It was always filled with kids running about playing. There was even a baseball diamond in one corner and he often would sit and rest on one of the benches overlooking it to watch a makeshift game that one of the neighborhood kids had organized.

In this dream, his attention was drawn away from the ball field in the direction of the playground by the sound of joyful giggling. Swinging as high as she could, a little girl pumped her legs back and forth, soaring into the air.

He smiled in wonder at the child. She was enjoying herself so completely and unrestrainedly that Jack was completely enchanted.

Jack walked further down the path, turning away from the playground and the girl on the swing. It was then that he spotted her. Sitting on a picnic table near the playground, a blond woman was intently watching the little girl. It was Sam. She looked radiant, sitting there in the sunshine with a wide smile on her face.

Just as he was about to walk over and say hello to her, a dark-haired man approached the table and sat beside her. Sam looked at the man with an expression that could only be described as adoration. The man took her hand in his and she leaned her head on his shoulder, both then turned their attention to the girl on the swing.

Jack was confused by this sight until the little girl suddenly jumped out of the moving swing and ran toward Sam and her male companion.

"Mommy! Daddy! Did you see me? I jumped out of the swing!"

Sam smiled brightly and rose from her seat. She held her arms open wide and then enclosed the girl in a tight hug. "Wow, that was great! But you need to be careful, sweetie. Remember...you're the only little girl I've got."

"I know, Mommy. I will." Sam placed a gentle kiss on her daughter's head before releasing her. The child then held her outstretched arms up to the man, demanding to be picked up. He enthusiastically complied and proceeded to twirl the girl in the air as she giggled in delight.

The picture before Jack was one of complete happiness and contentment. It was the image of a perfect family. Jack's gaze drifted from the child and her father to look once again at Sam.

Sam was totally absorbed with observing the two people next to her. Jack could tell from her smile and the sparkle in her eyes that she was happy... more than happy actually. He could only describe her mood as utterly blissful.

This time he awoke from his dream, not screaming and trembling, but instead completely calm and composed. It had not been disturbing like the others, but it had been heartbreaking in its own way. The heartbreaking part was that it was the only one of his dreams that he actually wouldn't have minded seeing come true.

Jack knew without doubt that any of the previous dreams he had experienced in the past day had a very high chance of becoming reality. If he and Sam continued seeing each other, they would probably get caught and court-martialed...or worse, his second nightmare could very easily happen and she could die because of his negligence. The regulations were there for a very good reason, after all, and Jack was well aware of that fact.

He wanted Sam to be as happy as she was in the park. He wanted her to have a family to love…for her to be alive and free...even if it was without him. And he also knew that the dream he had just experienced would never come true, that Sam would never be that happy, as long as she was with him.

Going through withdrawal had forced him to confront his own doubts about his relationship with Sam. It had also helped to lead him to a very important realization. In that moment, he realized there was only one option open to him regarding Sam. He had to let her go...

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Four**

* * *

_Jack's House_

Sam knocked tentatively on the heavy wooden door of Jack's house. She hadn't been by to see him in days. She hadn't even known that he had been released from the infirmary and allowed to go home until this morning. As soon as she had learned of this, she knew she had to go to him. It was finally time to face the music.

After a minute or two, the door slowly opened to reveal one groggy looking Colonel dressed in sweatpants and a gray t-shirt. He had obviously been sleeping and Sam immediately felt guilty for waking him up.

"Carter? What brings you by on such a lovely day?" he asked sarcastically, his eyes squinting in the bright sunlight.

"Sorry to bother you, sir. I…I came by to see how you were doing," she stuttered.

"'Sir,' huh?" Jack questioned her choice of wording before adding, "Would you like to come in, Sam?"

Sam looked at him nervously. "Actually…I was wondering if you might like to come with me… for a walk."

"A walk?" Jack eyed her suspiciously, knowing there must be an ulterior motive to her invitation.

Sam smiled tensely, "Sure…the sun is shining, the temperature is nice, and there's a pretty little park near here."

"Yes…there is." He stared carefully at her for a moment, seeing the lines of tension etching her face and the sadness in her eyes. It was then that he realized the real reason why she was there on his doorstep. She was there to break up with him and she wanted to do so on neutral territory. He didn't know whether to be relieved or not that she was the one to take the initiative. He only knew that he was feeling the beginnings of a deep pain growing inside himself that he had not felt in a very long time…the agony of loss. "Hang on a minute. I just need to get my shoes on."

Jack returned a couple of minutes later with his sneakers on and a sweatshirt pulled on over his t-shirt. He closed the door behind him and followed Sam down the steps and towards the park at the end of the road.

Once they got there, they continued walking towards the baseball diamond at the other end of the park. They came to a stop at the bleachers and Sam quietly took a seat and motioned for Jack to sit down beside her.

It was an odd and very uncomfortable situation to say the least. This was the very spot he often visited when he came to this park. And it was the very park he had visited in his dream – the one where Sam had been happily occupied with her possible future daughter and husband. Jack thought it somewhat ironic that she would choose this park for the discussion he had known was coming for the past week and a half. The only thing he hadn't predicted was that it would be her doing the breaking up part.

"You know how I feel about you, Jack..." Sam began softly.

"But...?" he countered.

"I think it's best if we end things."

Jack nodded solemnly, a hint of displeasure in his eyes. "Perhaps you're right. But do you mind if I ask, why now?"

Sam sighed dolefully. "I don't want to go into deep explanations. I have my reasons. Let's just say I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. Can we just leave it at that?"

"And you just decided that you didn't want to be with me anymore?"

Jack stared straight ahead, afraid if he looked in her eyes that he might break down and make a fool of himself. He still had his pride, after all, and he was not going to beg. Besides…he had already made up his mind that letting her go was the best possible course of action. He just never realized how hard it was going to be. His heart told him to hold on to her…to convince her not to leave him, while his head was clearly and rationally telling him that he needed to let her go.

"No..." Sam answered his question after a brief pause, shaking her head in denial. "That's not it. What we're doing... it's risky... it's against the rules."

"I thought you didn't care about the rules?" he challenged. "Or at least that's what you said when we first got together."

"Maybe I've changed my mind?" she queried.

"Bullshit!" Sam's eyes widened at his abrupt and vocal response. Jack then continued, "There's something else going on here. Obviously, it's something you don't want to tell me. Maybe you're right. Maybe it is a good idea to stop seeing each other outside of work, but you can at least be honest with me…"

Sam squirmed a bit, not really wanting to get into any real, substantial conversation about the issue.

"I just think things would be a lot less complicated if we called it quits and went back to the way things were before," she explained, trying to keep her voice level and steady. It wouldn't serve her purpose to cry now. She had to remain strong and convince him that this was for the best. "Look...we tried and it was great while it lasted. But, it just won't work anymore. You were right. We can't live our lives in limbo forever, constantly afraid of getting caught. I don't like hiding how I feel. I don't like keeping secrets."

"Didn't bother you before..." Jack pointed out ruefully.

Her frustration was building. She had known this was going to be difficult. Jack was nothing if not stubborn.

"Well, that was then. I can't do it anymore," she reasoned.

Jack was silent for what seemed like an eternity. He bowed his head, hiding his face from her penetrating gaze, and then he gave her his answer. In an almost defeated tone, he simply replied, "Okay."

"'Okay'? Is that all?" His answer surprised her and she found herself becoming almost sad that he had given in so easily.

"What do you want me to say, Sam? I'm tired. I don't want to argue with you about it. If it's what you want...then fine," he muttered bitterly. "I don't want you to have do anything you don't want to do. You're probably right anyways. We'd both be better off... less stress at least."

"So..." she uttered quietly.

"So...?"

"Were both all right with calling it off?" she asked sadly.

"I guess we'll have to be." His answer was final and almost matter-of-fact, his tone devoid of all emotion.

"Jack..."

"Yeah?"

"I meant everything I ever told you. Just because we're not together anymore... it doesn't mean I love you any less…or that I will ever stop loving you."

And with that, she turned and walked away without looking back. Jack just sat there, staring blankly out over the empty ball field.

In a way he was almost relieved that Sam had initiated the breakup. He had been sitting in his house all morning, trying to work up the will to call her up and ask for a meeting. He had been practicing what he was going to say to her - how he was going to let her down easy - over and over again in his head. She had saved him from the agony of having to say the words that would end their relationship…she had saved him from having to break her heart. Instead, he was the one left sitting alone in an empty park, feeling the pain of his own heart breaking in two.

The End

TBC in "I Can Let Go Now" – Part Four of the "In Need" Series.

AN: Yes, there will be a happy ending...someday. It just might take a long time. ; )


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